Penned Thoughts

I was never the geeky comic book reading kid while I was in high school but I did visit the comic book store regularly to check out and buy the latest versions of some of the comics I used to like. Spider-Man always was, and still is, one of my favourites and there were some Indian titles, like Tinkle Digest, that I used to like.

Let me tell you what I did not like: Superman. Superman is the ideal superhero. He has every power a superhero could want and then some. Super speed, super strength, the ability to fly and deflect bullets, x-ray vision, heat vision, superhuman hearing, immortality (for all practical purposes), and the list goes on.

But do you know what he doesn’t have? The power to compel. As in, cause a reader to be engrossed in his stories by being a compelling character. I have never read a Superman comic but I have watched him in a lot of 2D television cartoons and in several seasons of the show Smallville.

Before you pick up your pitchforks and tell me that Smallville is the worst depiction of Superman to base my judgement on, I’ll have you know that I agree. But that’s the reason I chose to watch it. Since I do not like Superman as a character, I figured I may enjoy it if I saw him in his childhood, when he would be less, er, perfect.

Every Superman story I have ever read or seen begins, progresses and ends in exactly the same way: Bad guy shows up, Superman hears or sees him doing something from several miles away, flies to the scene of the crime, beats him up and is almost able to defeat him when the bad guy somehow manages to produce some Kryptonite.

Superman immediately weakens and falls to his knees, then onto the ground and is about to die when Lois Lane shows up and knocks out the bad guy or somehow removes the Kryptonite from the scene. Superman’s power is restored and, presto, Superman saves the day! He flies Lois Lane to safety and they make eyes at each other and then he flies away. End of story.

I know that basically every single superhero story follows the “bad guys shows up, superhero finds out about bad guy, bad guy exploits some weakness in superhero and superhero ultimately defeats bad guy” premise, but nowhere is it portrayed in such a starkly black and white manner as it is in Superman comics.

And don’t even get me started on his “disguise”! A different hairstyle and no glasses! Look, here’s me:

Now here’s a random guy who looks nothing like me:

What do you mean it’s me in both pictures? I thought I’d done such a good job of disguising myself! Damn you, Superman! I’m never listening to your “10 Tips to Become the Master of Espionage” podcast again.

Here’s how I imagine the initial discussion on the disguise of Superman might have unfolded:

• Lead writer: We need to come up with something other than a mask as a disguise for this guy.
• Subordinate writer: I agree. Every superhero has a mask. We need something different.
• LW: Hmm…
• SW: How about shapeshifting? The dude has so many powers already. Let’s make him be able to change himself into anyone he wishes.
• LW: No, that might actually make the character interesting. We need something else.
• SW: …
• LW: I have an idea. He will wear glasses in his reporter form and won’t when he is Superman.
• SW: And?
• LW: Well, that’s it.
• SW: Er, OK, that is a good idea, but don’t you think there should be a little more to it than just that?
• LW: Hmm…and he’ll have a different hairstyle!
• SW: That’s it?
• LW: Yup, ain’t I a genius?
• SW: …

Superman is boring. The creators of Superman wanted to make a character that embodied the fantasy of every child who reads a comic book: What if there was a superhero who had all the powers in the world!

But then they realised that there would never be any villain that would be able to match up to this ideal superhero, so they gave him one critical weakness, and now every Superman villain worth his salt better have some Kryptonite on their person at all times.

It’s hardly a surprise, therefore, that the only reason I even watched Smallville beyond the first few episodes was the amazing performances of Michael Rosenbaum, John glover and John Schneider. How that show has managed to last for ten seasons—and Superman, as a character, for all the years that it has—I’ll never know.

-Aayush